A while back I wrote, “If I can trust God in the uncertainties of everyday, I can trust Him in the uncertainties that cancer brings.” I am beginning to realize that I may have had it backward. I might be a bit weird (No comments from family, please), but I seem to handle the big things better than the little ones. I could go into cancer surgery trusting God and relatively unafraid. Not totally–I’m a real wimp when it comes to pain, so the aftermath did concern me–but I wasn’t climbing the walls or stressed-out. And yet the little frustrations of life can drive me nuts at times.
Take this week. First I had to wait for test results, which meant my radiation simulation–the long appointment that gets everything ready for the start of radiation–had to be postponed. I was upset, because I have an important training trip to San Antonio in mid-January, and I want radiation done by then. (If I miss the trip, I miss a large chunk of work.) Finally the results arrived, and the news was good. I could skip chemotherapy, and it would probably not have a big effect on recurrence possibilities. I was happy.
Then I got a rash around the incision site, which got itchy and bugged me no end. Afther three days of phone calls and waiting for answers, I got antibiotics–which hopefully will eventually work, but aren’t, so far. So I was still a bit grouchy from that as I got up early to ride light rail to the radiation oncology center for my radiation sim on Friday, an hour ride. When I got there, the receptionist told me, “I have some good news and some bad news.” I never did find out what the good news was. The bad news was that the machine they do the sims on was broken, so they would have to reschedule me for next week. So my long ride was for nothing, and I had to turn right around and go back home. I could have just stayed home and gotten the grocery shopping done. I felt frustrated and depressed.
And then I thought of something a lady in my writers’ critique group read to us the day before–about how she was trying to let God be in charge of her schedule. And I realized, Yeah, that fits me. I’m getting all stressed out because things aren’t going according to my schedule. But how do I know what’s best? Am I willing to let God be in charge of my disease, but not of my daily/weekly/monthly schedule? Oops.
So today I will reverse my beginning statement: If I can trust God in the uncertainties of cancer, I can trust Him in the uncertainties of everyday. And I’ll keep repeating this to myself until it sinks in.